I’ve never talked to anyone. I’m used to handling things on my own. Aren’t people who go to therapy weak?
Not at all. People who ask for help know when they need it and have the ability to reach out. Everyone needs help now and then. You already have some strengths that you’ve used before, that for whatever reason aren’t working right now. Perhaps this problem feels overwhelming and is making it difficult to access your past strengths. In our work together, I’ll help you identify what those strengths are and how to implement them again in what is happening now.
What’s the difference between talking to you or my best friend or family?
A mental health professional can help you approach your situation in a new way– teach you new skills, gain different perspectives, listen to you without judgment or expectations, and help you listen to yourself. My style as a therapist demands authenticity, so there may be times when you feel that my honest feedback is “pushy” or judgy.” The purpose here is to lovingly offer alternatives, or push you out of ways that may be harmful to you or to those around you. You won’t have to worry about others “knowing my business.” Sometimes your sessions may provoke seemingly negative emotions. The truth is, there are no negative emotions. For men, anger is just an acceptable way of expressing pain or sadness or depression. We will dig for that, and provide the safety to express that. That is a crucial difference. Therapy is a place for uncommon bravery. I have your back.
How does it work? What do I have to do in sessions?
I tailor my approach. I don’t treat gay couples the same way I treat straight couples or African American couples. My focus on culture, gender, and power is integral to the work. I have never been gay or a woman, so having those clients means that I must listen and learn about their lives; AND that I must show how to listen and learn for the partner who is more like me. This is at the heart of Relational Cultural Theory. You can’t know who you are without understanding your impact on others.
This is important. Women MUST be LISTENED into voice. Men often ignore or dismiss women. This has a disastrous effect it on relationships. It makes women shut down, or be fake. Most men don’t believe that, or don’t understand it. But ask your partner. See, I told you. But don’t worry. When and if you are listening, you both know it. It takes bravery to grow and change. But I believe in this work. I believe in you.
How long will it take?
As with any decision in therapy, you decide how long you stay in treatment. Different people and situations take different amounts of time, so there really are no cookie cutter answers. Some couples come in with a very specific issue to address, and when they feel like they’ve done what they came to do, it’s time for them to go. There are those who find that the process really speaks to how they grow and change on multiple levels and in multiple circumstances. These are people who apply the process of counseling to many areas of their lives. The reason that is particularly good with Relational Cultural Therapy is because we have an opportunity to look at your relationships in many contexts and multiple levels. As a bonus, we are always using our clinical relationship as a way to learn and grow.
I want to get the most out of therapy. What can I do to help?
It is a brilliant question, if I say so myself. Everyone has an idea of what psychotherapy is or might be. If you want to be helpful, view me as your expert consultant. Again, I have no idea what it is like to be you, and the only people I can get input from are you. The more candid you are, the better.
So what does that mean? That means that when you are feeling good about your relationships, it’s great to know what goes into that. When you are feeling sad or mad or afraid or alone or hurt…well try to tell me…because it really really helps.
For men…when you are feeling lost or confused…well, hell, emotional stuff is much more the province of women…and we can move through this…it’s brave to say “I don’t know’ and it’s perfectly okay. Here is the best thing you can do. Be authentic. It ain’t easy. You can do it.
My partner and I are having problems. Should we be in individual counseling or come together?
The primary focus of my practice is marital/couples counseling. The book chapters I have written are about men in relationships. There are occasionally times, in the context of couples therapy, when an individual meeting may be necessary, but these are things we will talk about at length. I generally feel that the client is the relationship, and so the people in the relationship together represent the client. I won’t see a couple after having seen someone individually for more than one or two sessions. That isn’t fair to the “new” person. I may see an individual for treatment after seeing a couple, but in that case, I don’t go back to the couple modality. There are always exceptions, because people and relationships are fluid and dynamic.