Relational Cultural Theory was formulated by Jean Baker Miller MD and a study group of five female psychologists in the mid-1970’s at Harvard. It changed psychotherapy in fundamental ways.
Until RCT, MEN “decided” what “normal” psychological development was. They assumed that “normal” meant a normal man. They forgot that half the world isn’t men. See the problem? At the time it didn’t seem like a problem.
When classic psychology stated that THE goal of ALL development was to separate from your parents; become “your own man,” to be an independent self; they meant that a man should leave home and separate from his family. This kind of independence may be ONE aspect of maturity, but it isn’t the whole thing.
JBM (Jean Baker Miller) wrote that healthy development for women resides in growth fostering relationships, being an active and healthy part of friends and families’ lives. No separation, no individuation. Everyone grows together. That is one essential part of RCT.
In RCT (Relational Cultural Theory), isolation is recognized for the untold suffering it causes. When you confuse being independent with being alone, when you don’t know how to be an adult and be in relationship or community at the same time, the pain is awful. When men are taught to be independent, but they love and desire love, their inner conflicts are tremendous. Men live with this all the time.
Any philosophy of development that focuses on developing strength to be alone is doomed to tremendous pain. Love and connection are natural.
So here is how that philosophy works in our sessions.
RCT is how I do couples work, and it involves helping men see something they usually don’t see. RCT in action involves showing men the destruction of isolation, and the healing power of relationships. RCT is how I do couples work, and it involves engaging women as gentle teachers of something they know intuitively but don’t always get to share. RCT in action involves teaching men how to listen and understand women and teaching women how to speak in a way that inspires men to be careful and loving listeners.
Most couples come in talking about “communication” problems. At the heart of RCT are these communication goals. Openness to influence, emotional availability, mutual respect, and responsiveness. Those four things are what make growth fostering relationships. Together we will define those things and describe how to put them into action.
When people look at the world relationally, everything changes. When we see school or work or our family in relational terms, competitive environments can grow into growth producing, mutually enhancing places of learning and fun and relationship.
To this date, I am the only man who has received advanced training in RCT. My mentor is Judy Jordan PhD, who the American Psychological Association has called “one of the most influential psychologists of the twentieth century”. This is important is because connecting like this is not natural for men, but it is imperative for intimate relationships. As a male therapist, exploring this men is more natural, because we understand the socialization, feel the pain. It is important, so men and women can connect with love and respect, and promote the things that will bring them into connection.
I believe that disconnection and isolation are the root of relational difficulties, and power differentials comprise much of that difficulty. That is what makes psychotherapy with me more than skill building. There is so much that we as men don’t know, so much that women can tell us if we listen with love and open hearts. There is so much that we as men have been unwilling or unable to talk about, and most of the women I know have just been waiting for us to speak from our hearts. Once again, marriage, relationships, this stuff ain’t for the faint of heart. It’s hard stuff. But I am right here with you.
“Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it” – Goethe